Introduction of Revision Piece

I chose my Community paper, “A Source of Support,” for my revision piece. I really like my introduction on this one. Sadly, the development of the whole paper was not clear. As Marcia commented, the thesis was not supported in the last three paragraphs. With this assignment, we were told to show how and why something works the way it does, and to demonstrate our skills in presenting concrete and specific examples of the “then and now” of our chosen community. We were told to interview someone from the same community who is at least ten years older or younger than us and to give specific examples on how the particular community changed over time. My chosen community was the community of military spouses. It was not hard to write about it, but it was difficult to answer the prompt and to fit in a quote from our readings. I added many sentences that I thought at the time would go with my topic and to satisfy the 3-5 pages requirements. On my revision, I still used the same content, but I reworded and tried to place the sentences in the right locations. I eliminated unnecessary words and a quotation from the fourth paragraph that did not connect to what I was trying to explain.